Studying abroad 14: It’s not my style! I use to take baby steps!
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 14, 2009
Ok, I have realized that many of the posts on this blog is going to be about my plans to study in the US…! I also realized that since I’m nominated to Northern Michigan University and that I don’t have to take the TOEFL test, I should name these kind of posts “Studying in the US” instead of “Studying abroad” – but since I always have named them “Studying abroad” I think I will continue to do so.
Anyway, now it’s just 11 months left and I’m already nervous, or kind of nervous. My Indian passport is cancelled, so probably I’m not an Indian citizen anymore (even I’m still born there, nothing can take that fact away from me).
I always use to take baby steps. When I started middle school, or the 7th grade at school, I cried every day when I came home from school, because it was a new school and I didn’t want to be there. I was missing my old school and the old teachers. When I chose which high school or upper secondary school I should go to, I chose the one that was located close to the middle school because I didn’t want to start a new school far away. And when I chose university, I chose Växjö, because my parents work in Växjö and I have been here several times, even at the university, so everything was not new to me. I felt safe here.
So, I take baby steps into life. And now I’m supposed to take a big, adult step, over the whole Atlantic sea, to the US, where I have never been before. It’s not my style to take big adult steps! I want to continue with my baby steps! If I will go there, I will go there without my family, without anyone I know. That is kind of scary.
I think that I will adjust pretty well when I’m in Michigan, but the moment after having said goodbye to the family and knowing that now I have to take care of my self – it is kind of scary! I can’t go to the US alone, but at the same time I know that I can, and if I will be accepted I will go.
And I guess I will never be able to go to the US if I will continue with my baby steps.
Isolating someone because of disgrace of honour IS bullying!
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 13, 2009
I have written this before, but many times I actually think that the… I don’t know the English word for hederskultur, but I mean a society where honour and respect is so important and where it’s a shame for the family if one of the family members does something that is not accepted, such as not being virgin before marriage, for example. When people treat this person bad because of something like that, it reminds me about ordinary bullying of pupils in any middle school.
This honour-thinking is not the same everywhere and it doesn’t exist in all countries and/or societies - but it exists in many. All families don’t kill their children if they have disgraced the honour, but they may be considered bad, or the neighbourhood will probably gossip about them and their families.
It’s not always like that. You can’t point out a country or a society and say that the people there always think like this or do like this. It’s important to keep in mind.
Anyway, when people isolate a person who has disgraced the honour of her family, it reminds me about bullying. All these rumours, even false rumours, that can destroy the life of a person. It doesn’t matter where you live, evil rumours are horrible and can destroy so much. If you live in a socitey where a rumour can ruin the honour of your family, what would you do? Adjust to everything and be careful (that’s what I should do, I guess) protest against it? I’m against this honour-thinking, but I also know that it’s not easy to break away from it. The whole family should not be disgraced because of something one family member do, but it’s not easy to change.
How isolation because of a disgrace of honour reminds me about bullying…
It is bullying! Am I not right?
My styles
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 12, 2009
(For some months last year I put on make up almost every day, which I never did before, I didn’t care much about it and I was anti-make up on myself until I was 18 years old).
(Bangles made of glass from Pakistan).
(The Pakistani style – or at least a fake imitation).
A non-multi cultural non-wannabe
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 12, 2009
That’s what I am. I’m not multi cultural and not a wannabe. So actually I should delete this blog and start blogging under a new name. But at the same time I want to save the posts written here, I don’t want to just delete everything. So I will keep it and write about things I find important.
It’s snowing outside and I have a class soon, I am deciding which necklace I will wear and today I will have a hair cut! Such big “problems” I’m having while many people in the world are suffering.
The Israeli election
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 10, 2009
I wish I was Israeli so I could vote for the Kadima Party, or why not for the Labour Party? I don’t know much about Israeli politics, I just care about it when there is an election. That is, every third year. Anyway, I’m not Israeli and I can’t do anything. What I actually can do is to study for the exam in Sociology. The exam is nest Friday! Not the coming Friday but the Friday after that, on February 20.
A new blog
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 9, 2009
I have a new blog! But it’s in Swedish, since I have been writing posts in both English and Swedish on this blog and have been hesitating about which language this one should have, I decided to create a new one in Swedish. It feels weird to just change the language on this one since I have been writing most of the posts in English and I have been wanting to write blog posts in Swedish as well.
The blog in Swedish is here: http://hannabard.blogg.se even I haven’t written that much yet and I don’t have a clear topic of the blog. Even I will not delete this blog, I will keep it.
I am stuck in blogging and updating my status on Facebook. It’s tragic, I know. I’m not blogging or sitting on facebook that much, but for some reason it’s important to me to update my Facebook status! Why? As if anyone should care. In the end, what matters is what I do to the people around me.
I don’t feel much sad over the Gaza conflict
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 7, 2009
Israel vs Hamas again. My favourite topic at the moment and hopefully I will be tired of it soon.
I don’t feel much sad about the suffering of the civilian people in Gaza. I can feel sad about Hamas attacks on civilian Israelis and argue against that. But when it comes to Gaza, it becomes more difficult. Why?
It doesn’t matter! No matter if I think it was Hamas fault, the sufferings of the civilian people in Gaza is horrible. No matter if Israel tried to not target civilians and that Hamas was hiding among the civilians – it’s equally sad when civilian people die.
The worst thing is that I don’t even have bad conscience about not feeling sad.
I should have bad conscience and worry about the suffering for the civilian people there instead of worrying about what I will think about it. I mean every word I have written about my opinions about Israel vs Hamas. So what is the problem then? That I have to proove that I can have an opinion? How stupid.
I mean every word. That it was Hamas fault, etc, etc, that I don’t support everything the Israeli army did, and that I don’t believe that the operation will solve anything. I mean every word. So…? No matter if one believes it was Hamas or Israel’s or boths fault, one can feel sad about the suffering of the civilian people on both sides, both in Gaza and Israel.
In fact, maybe I actually I felt a little bit sad about it. Even I was arguing about it, I just wanted it to end. I was writing, and saying, that it was Hamas fault, etc, and I mean everything I have written, but in fact I just wanted the conflict to end. When I heard the news about it, I became kind of depressed. Not depressed as in true depressed, but I just wanted it to end.
Once I was at my parents home and we were watching the news on the television while eating chocolate cake with cream. They were talking about Gaza and afterwards I was eating chocolate cake. How bad. And I ate more chocolate cake afterwards. Where is my compassion? How could I even think about eating after watching those clips? And why don’t I feel any guilt about it? If it was like… seven years ago, I should just put the plate with the chocolate cake on the table and feel weird about eating more.
I just wanted the Gaza conflict to end.
Not good enough?
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 6, 2009
Sometimes I’m thinking that I should be more like other people. It’s not like I really want to change myself and am not pleased with who I am; I should be a more ambitious student, be active in the student life, wear other clothes, wear high heels, pierce my ears (actually three of my friends have given me earrings that I can’t use), know a lot more about international issues, debate more, debate less, speak out instead of being silent…
I’m not thinking like this very often, just sometimes. The first day at my program, in augusti 2007; I came to the introduction meeting wearing dark blue jeans, a pink t-shirt, a blue-green hood jacket, a purple manchester jacket and dark blue shoes. My hair was short and curly, and I was wearing glasses and a brace.
Nowadays I should never enter a classroom like that! Not because I dislike the style – I don’t. But it’s just not me anymore. Then I started to wear a scarf around my neck and an Afghan glass bangle, to try to look more oriental or something like that. Later I tried to imitate the shalwar kameez style, I tried to look Pakistani or Indian.
Not anymore. It’s true that I have changed my style since high school, but I’m not trying to be something special anymore. No matter what I wear everyone can see that I’m having an Indian origin. Sometimes it makes me irritated, but I am born there.
Anyway, I have to study and then go to downtown with a friend.
Studying without knowing what
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 4, 2009
I’m sighing. To read pages without understanding what one is reading is horrible, at least I think so! It’s just a few weeks left till the written exam and I haven’t finished the course books yet. I don’t know what to do. Probably I have to learn the answers to the questions for the seminar and the most important things about some Sociological theories.
All those theories! It’s a mess in my head. It’s worse than separating religious and political arguments from each other as I did in a paper two months ago (not in Sociology). What do I need all this for?
But I’m (hopefully) going to the US in… less than one year! I can think about that if I ever dare to think about giving up. Why am I not sitting down for hours and hours and reading the course books? And I get irritated if I fail an exam! I shouldn’t be irritated over that, since I’m taking breaks all the time.
And I’m eating chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate. It’s not good at all. Not because I’m afraid of getting fat (why am I not getting fat since I’m just sitting for long times, eating chocolate, and barely do any athletic practices except aerobic classes sometimes?)
Anyway. I have to study some English grammar before the lecture at 5 pm. But it’s the same thing as the Sociological theories – I don’t understand what I’m studying. It’s hopeless! I can’t sit for hours and hours and just read if I don’t understand anything! In my life I haven’t felt much pressure about my studies, but now I’m actually putting a little pressure on myself for once. If I feel that I haven’t been studying enough during the day (and I barely study for 3 hours even) I feel bad about it… and I feel bad about it now as well! Why can’t I just sit down and read no matter if I understand the theories or not???
I would pass with distinction…
Posted by: multiculturalwannabe on: February 3, 2009
If I used only half of the energy I’m using for arguing about Israel and Palestine, I would probably pass with distinction in every course. Almost. I’m realizing that I’m about to do the same mistake that I once did – that I’m making this my identity. Not my opinions about it – but to argue about it and think about it! Damn! It’s not me. Writing opinions and comments with my opinions is something that I’m doing sometimes, but it’s not me. I will not do that mistake again. Never. Never.
Anyway, I have to study for a while before going home, but I have to buy groceries and make dinner… I guess I will study after dinner. I don’t have any energy left to study now anyway.
I have just been reading TEN pages in one of the course books and it took over an hour. I guess I have to get ready for a re-exam.
